I could make funny jokes about gold teeth and crackheads, but there really is no need. This one speaks for itself.
SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED, CHUNKED, AND SPEWED
Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master’s house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of Idjit Galoot’s ne’er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves. Along the way, Idjit’s owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp-dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b-list poopie-groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster diety, and the Florida Skunk Ape.
"Not since Lord Timothy Dexter’s A Pickle for the Knowing Ones has a book been so well written, humorous and insightful. Lance Carbuncle is to literature what Ed Wood was to film. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is sure to be a literary classic."
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A leprechaun. A leprechaun. March 13, 2009 | No Comments » I don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed that this is a joke. December 4, 2008 | No Comments » I don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed that this is a joke. The scary thing is that when you first watch this, you can’t really be sure if this guy is for real. Anyway, it’s just funny on so many levels. I DIDN’T THINK SARAH PALIN WAS AS HOT AS EVERYBODY SAID. BUT, UPON FURTHER REVIEW, SHE IS DAMN FINE! October 23, 2008 | No Comments » What is wrong with people? August 2, 2008 | 4 Comments » The Mr. T Snickers ad below is some of the funniest shit I have seen in a long time. And it hasn’t been shown in the U.S. because The Human Rights Campaign has ruined everyone’s fun and whined that the ad is homophobic, saying: “These kinds of ads perpetuate the notion that the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community is a group of second class citizens and that violence against GLBT people is not only acceptable, but humorous.” Huh? Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that speedwalking was a big thing in the transgender community. Holy shit! Has the world gone crazy? Did Mr. T attack the guy in this ad because he thought he was gay? Hell no. Mr. T just pities the fool for being a sissy boy power walker. Mr. T doesn’t want to hear any jibba jabber about power walking. The advertisement is hilarious and it is ludicrous that anybody would see fit to pressure a corporation to pull such an ad on the basis that it promotes violence against anybody. As a matter of fact, I’m going to boycott Mars products until I see a commercial with Mr. T locking a full-on choke hold on Richard Simmons and smashing Snickers bars down his throat. People need to get a sense of humor. I’m not gay, but if I were, I think I’d be kind of excited about Mr. T aiming something brown and sweet at my ass. I’m just saying… Now check out the best commercial ever made: The Singing Midget July 28, 2008 | 1 Comment »
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REVIEWS "A charmingly sick odyssey through the friendliest Hell you ever met."
"This is one of the best road books I've ever read. The story is amazing yet somehow believable, the characters are instantly likable. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is full of dark humor that will make you laugh out loud and grimace simultaneously."
"Carbuncle's debut novel is simply laugh-out-loud funny! It may not be the book you want to give to your conservative grandfather on his birthday, but for the rest it offers a roller-coaster ride of substance abuse and bizarre happenings. Fans of Carl Hiaasen and Hunter S. Thompson will surely love this book."
"Like On the Road as seen through the prism of a carnival sideshow."
“Seriously f#@*ed up fun! Prepare to be let down by the book you read after it.”
"Wow! That was quite a ride. I feel the need to shower and call my mother, but I'm smiling!"
Best read of 2008...[A] modern epic journey that puts Homer's Odyssey to shame. SSSCCaS follows the voyage of one man trying to get back to his canine soul mate, and the interactions he has with those he meets along the way. Snarky, witty, and riotous, leaves you with the feeling of time well spent. Should come with a warning label. CAUTION: Author not responsible for any injury, or loss of dignity incurred while reading in public. Under no circumstances should one eat or drink while reading. Doing so may result in trouble breathing, choking or death."
“Lance Carbuncle is one sick S.O.B.! Smashed, etc. is kind of like "Thelma and Louise," if they'd been horny 20-something guys on acid. A hysterical read!!!”
“Though politically incorrect and vulgar at times, the journey is fast paced and extremely witty. That is what makes this book so special. Societal taboos are touched upon in a delicate, comedic manner; a true talent of Carbuncle. And don't be fooled by the jocular Foreword, the story is well written and grammar speed bumps are easily forgiven. The well described characters and situations come to life and dance on the pages. Fans of Christopher Moore, Chuck Palahniuk, Tom Robbins, and Robert Coover will love Carbucle's twisted tale. People who love ACDC will enjoy the story as well. Why? Just trust me. After reading this treat, you will catch a case of the infectious Carbuncles.”
“Often hilarious, always fun, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is a honkin' good time from start to finish. With tons of pop-culture references; dark, twisted humor; and insanely well developed characters; Lance Carbuncle brings home a great first novel. Fans of Christopher Moore, Robert Tacoma, and Tim Dorsey will find joy in Carbuncle's pages. This is one wild and zany (road)trip you won't want to miss!”
“Sick, Sick, Sick and Funny... Carbuncle must be a very disturbed man. But he knows how to write and how to make his readers laugh. I loved the bizarre footnotes throughout the book and the subtle literary, pop-culture and musical references. If you're looking for cute and cuddly, turn around and run the other way. If you like sick and twisted humor which is weaved into a good story line and hilarious characters, then pick up this book and be ready to laugh.”
"Smashed is the funniest book I have ever read. I couldn't put it down. It has a hilarious cast of characters and even crazier events that are all masterfully wound together. If you have a weird sense of humor BUY THIS BOOK NOW!!!!" "I'd definitely recommend this book. It reads like it was written by an odd bastard child of Jack Black and Christopher Moore. I read it in one sitting. ONCE I STARTED I COULD NOT STOP."
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