lance carbuncle dot comHome_page.html
grundish and askew


Reader Views 2009 Literary Awards, First Place, Humor Category


smashed, squashed, splattered, chewed, chunked and spewed

Strap on your athletic cup and grab a barf bag. The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle is going to kick you square in the balls and send you on a wild ride that may or may not answer the following questions: what happens when two white trash, trailer park-dwelling, platonic life partners go on a moronic and misdirected crime spree?; can their manly love for each other endure when one of them suffers a psychological bitch-slap that renders him a homicidal maniac?; will a snaggletoothed teenage prostitute tear them apart?; what is the best way to use a dead illegal alien to your advantage in a hostage situation?; what's that smell?; and, what the hell is Alf the Sacred Burro coughing up? Carbuncle's latest offering, Grundish and Askew, ponders these troubling questions and more. So sit down, put on some protective goggles, and get ready for Carbuncle to blast you in the face with a warm load of fictitious sickness.

Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master's house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed" is the story of Idjit Galoot's ne'er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves. Along the way, Idjit's owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp-dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b-list poopie-groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster deity, and the Florida Skunk Ape.


buy now !!!!!!!!!!

buy now !!!!!!!!!!

"A charmingly sick odyssey through the friendliest Hell you ever met."
Mykle Hansen- Author of Help! A Bear is Eating Me.

"This is one of the best road books I've ever read. The story is amazing yet somehow believable, the characters are instantly likable. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is full of dark humor that will make you laugh out loud and grimace simultaneously."
-Marcus Eder- Author of Rorschach’s Ribs.

"Carbuncle's debut novel is simply laugh-out-loud funny! It may not be the book you want to give to your conservative grandfather on his birthday, but for the rest it offers a roller-coaster ride of substance abuse and bizarre happenings. Fans of Carl Hiaasen and Hunter S. Thompson will surely love this book."
-A.F. Rutzy- Author of End Credits.

"Like On the Road as seen through the prism of a carnival sideshow."
-Bradley Sands- Author of It Came from Below the Belt and Editor-in-Chief of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens.

"Seriously f#@*ed up fun! Prepare to be let down by the book you read after it."
-Scott Carpenter- Author of Mr. Undesirable

“Wow! That was quite a ride. I feel the need to shower and call my mother, but I'm smiling!”
-Rhonda, Really- Reader, Reviewer, and woman with phobia related to Toby Keith’s giant teeth

“ [A] modern epic journey that puts Homer's Odyssey to shame. SSSCCaS follows the voyage of one man trying to get back to his canine soul mate, and the interactions he has with those he meets along the way. Snarky, witty, and riotous, leaves you with the feeling of time well spent. Should come with a warning label. CAUTION: Author not responsible for any injury, or loss of dignity incurred while reading in public. Under no circumstances should one eat or drink while reading. Doing so may result in trouble breathing, choking or death.” reviewer

“Loved it can't wait for the next one! Smashed Squashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed is the best book I have read in a while... I laughed and went through the book in record speed. The book itself keeps you spellbound and its very hard to put down. I recommend it highly. Definitely check out Lance Carbuncle the man is a genius and I cant wait until the next book!”
-Terrapin-Station-  Reader, Reviewer and super-groovy hippie chick

“Smashed is the funniest book I have ever read. I couldn't put it down. It has a hilarious cast of characters and even crazier events that are all masterfully wound together. If you have a weird sense of humor BUY THIS BOOK NOW!!!!”
-Stephen Simon- Reader, Reviewer and Matt Damon lookalike

Think of those grungy, maggoty knuckle-dragging villains in Carl Hiaasen and Tim Dorsey novels. Those morons are *%#*ing Osmond family teasippers compared to the crew Carbuncle has created.”

  1. -The Daily Loaf

“Messy, funny, disgusting sometimes to the point of cringe-inducing, this ranks near the best of what gonzo/bizarro fiction has to offer…”

  1. -Chicago Center for Literature and Photography

“This book could easily be the sleeper of the year…”

-Reader Views

“…an imaginative, almost hallucinatory tale of madness, traveling and free spirits doing what they want.”

-Reviewer Magazine

Lewd and hilarious, Carbuncle's second effort is a twisted tour-de-WTF?

-Patrick Wensink, author of Sex Dungeon for Sale

If you like books that are so artfully written that reading them is like you're just hanging out talking to the author, Lance's books are for you. He's either had a hell of a life, or has a hell of an imagination. Or both. G & A is just plain funny. Great memorable characters. The situations keep you uncomfortable which is just how Carbuncle evidently likes you. Warning: This is not Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. Real gutsy stuff by a terrific writer.

-Phillip Jennings- author of Nam-a-Rama and Goodbye Mexico

my ballsLook_at_my_balls.html
contact                 Contact.html
uncle hankUncle_Hank.html